It all started meekly enough. There was a party at the Barabar Lounge, one of Delhi’s premium night spots. Like any other party there was food and wine, and beautiful women, a sprinkling of costly dresses and a few old diamonds.
There is a charming social custom at these parties. Somewhere close to midnight, all the lights go off and you are allowed to kiss anyone of your choice. And if the partners can manage it, much more.
As you can understand, right from the beginning of the party, people who feel attracted to each other on the given day begin to maneuver themselves to the ones they fancy.
That day since Advani was a guest, the décolletages were deeper and given the chance that he could possibly be the next PM, competition to get him was intense. A young 20 year old Kim Kardarshian look alike finally snagged him, in following Indian culture no one could beat Advaniji in his fascination for CKPeeche, his dil always maanged more.
However despite snagging such a obvious treasure, Advaniji’s mind seemed not to be on her. He seemed more impressed with a rather portly old woman who had a rather large diamond pendant lying right on the old but admirable landing strip. Looks bigger than her nipple, commented the jealous young thing to Advani.
Is it, remarked LKA as he tried to compare the sizes. After a long inspection that rather pleased the crusty old dame, Advaniji agreed with the PYT’s conclusion. Yes, much larger, he agreed. How much would it cost, he asked her, his eyes transfixed by the gems brilliance.
20 million dollars, give or take a million said the PYT. Advani, who usually found it irritating to convert this to crores started to fumble. It is 1,00,000 crores said the PYT with a touch of confidence. Advani who often lost his mind when he met anyone speaking English was amazed that while his total assets were only 40 crore and a khakhi chaddi, how did this woman get to wear a jewel costing a lakh crore.
“She is the mistress of …., the PYT whispered in LKA’a ears. And you know Baba, he keeps so much money in his Swiss account, that the bank had to dig a special tunnel to store it. when they finished all that digging and storing they found that the tunnel actually ended in neighboring Australia.
Darling, she said, while nibbling on LKA’s rather large ears, when you become PM, will you get me one like that. Anything baby for you, commented LKA, but his mind was far away.
The problem was he did not know where one went about getting a Swiss bank account. Shit, if he had known about this facility in his day as India’s Home Minister, he could have saved his cut from the Kandahar drama in some place like this. But he did not, and before he could do anything with the money, Venkaiah Naidu had sweet talked it out of him and invested it on some sleazy Tollywood actress.
As usual like a fearful man whistling in the dark, Advani’s strategy is to say things that he does not understand in the loudest voice. So the next morning there was the statement about the Swiss Bank accounts and he connected it to the only topic he knew, terrorism. The other details were provided by his team.
The news channels finally caught on, but Advaniji seemed rather disturbed until 12 noon that day. Which was when IBN live decided to show the map of Europe with Switzerland marked rather prominently. That afternoon, he had a rather easy nap. He had finally found where Fernandes had kept the money he had got from the coffin deal. Call Fernandes, was his first command after waking up.
His mind went back to that one woman he had missed, Hema Malini. When can I call you Hema rather than Hemaji, he had whispered in her year one evening. When you are dead or when you can get me the Kohinoor Diamond, Hema or Hemaji had dismissed him rather too curtly.
Now that he knew what a Swiss bank was and where Switzerland was, his mind went into fantasy over drive. Hema still looked wonderful, even though someone said Sri Devi looked much better. No, No, like Laloo, he was very much a Hema man and would remain so till the end.
Now I will be able to get her where I want her, he thought, why the Kohinoor, I will give you a larger diamond sweetie, I will even make you President, he told himself. His team caught that rare smile and asked him what it was.
Nothing, nothing, he said hurriedly. That evening he found his team discussing Clean Sweep Ignatius, a character from one of Jeffrey Archer’s short stories. They were discussing something about corruption and the Swiss banks but Advaniji wanted to hear no more….
References:
Clean Sweep Ignatius from The Twist in the Tale, By Jeffrey Archer. It is possible that his team was discussing what Advaniji would do once he found the right Swiss Bank, but then we were not privy to such conversations nor were they privy to LKA’s secret fantasies.
And Kim, for those who are unaware of her is here, here, here, and here. Enjoy!
Tags: Humor, LK Advani, Swiss Bank Accounts
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